I don't know why I started to write in this so suddenly, maybe it's because I have so many awkward feelings and I need to vent. Today in English class out teacher had us do an exersize that was sort of like a word vomit. He has us write in the back of our notebooks, where he wont read, and he just tells us to let it all out, dont stop writing, just write whatever comes to mind. Let loose, that's what I did. I can't even remember half of the stuff I said I was so in the zone of writing. I have never been like that before, other then once when I was on the plane to Orlando and writing everything about my life on here..
I can't think of anything positive in my life other then my friends, and they're not all that positive either. We're all big bitch drama queens and it's geting on my nerves. A lot of the time I just like to sit around my house and listen to music, or work on this scrapbook that I'm taking so seriously.
So much has happened since the last time I actually wrote something that mattered in here. I've just been so reserved with my feelings. I don't really know if anyone will read this, everyone probibly took me off their buddy lists because I havent updated in so long. It's amazing that my diary hasn't been deleted.
Peter and I have been bad. Really bad. Last night I told him I didn't want to ever speak to him again, why, because he's a stupid boy. Stupid stupid stupid. He's going to a movie with Stacie Woodle, yeah, yeah, Peter Brockman going to a movie. He wont even go to the movies with me if I offer to pay for him, but he will go with her willingly. I'm just so sick of the shit. Seriously. He doesn't take me seriosuly. He doesn't love me around others. He makes me out to be the annoying "ex girlfriend" who bothers him infront of other people and isn't cool. But when it's just us, in the whole world to him. I can't take this flip flop love. It's so emotionally unstable. I think I've finally come to terms with myself. The only reason I think it's so hard for me to get over Peter is because he's the only man in my life. My father isn't really there, not because I don't want him to be, just because I never spend time with him. I feel really bad now about it, but it's just how things have gone. I was watching "Man of the House" today and at the end the dad ends up with his daughter and they are happy with eachother and bond. I never really have that, and I think because Peter is the only one there who is a male figure in my life, I think that's why I guard him so much. I used to guard my father, but then he went off and got married to get back at my mom. I don't really know what to think of things because of all of this, but maybe it is time to let go. No matter how hard I don't want to. Maybe just let go until he realizes how much he really needs me. Realizes what he's done to me, how he's made me feel.
It would be like a sin to expect him to ever get close to me whenever he sees me, let alone get a kiss out of him. I can't explain how this makes me feel. So unwanted.
I feel sick. I'm done.